1 Hour and 45 Minutes of Sleep

Warning, this is an unedited entry from my personal journal this morning. There is probably misspelled words and there is definitely grammatical errors…

Thanks PTSD for the hour and 45 minutes of sleep last night!

Nightmares, these unwanted passengers on the journey called my life. For years I pretended, I dreaded, I feared, I fought and probably a bunch of other shit Ive blocked out.

It was last week while researching for a blog post I discovered that the average person may only have 2 nightmares a year. Ive had 2 this week! (Pretty common with PTSD) They are the absolute worst because when I have a PTSD trigger or flashback when I am awake, I am emotionally back in the moment of trauma but cognitively Im awake and aware enough I can fairly quickly begin to apply health coping mechanisms without (usually) spinning too far out of control… But… a nightmare, I have no idea how long they last before I wake up and damn it Im asleep so Im at the mercy of the flashback until I wake up, and when I wake up, Im so triggered my fight or flight, hyper-vigilance is so heightened its almost like my whole boy is vibrating with adrenaline – liquid fear pumping through my veins. Then immediately after IU realize Im awake and physically safe. But then comes nightmares best friend, shame. Because now Im ashamed I got bitch slapped by a dream. And you would hope after that you just settle down and get on with your day. But no. Cognitively I got my “well rested” hour and forty-five minutes of sleep self up and physically made myself busy cooking baked pear oatmeal and making a French press of coffee with warmed oat milk and honey (don’t ask what my seemingly over commitment to oats is about). I sit down, put on some music that gives me peace and start writing. All of which are healthy ways I have learned to respond to my PTSD triggers so I can get through today. But as I sit here my 6’2, 200lbs strong self trying to work through this is periodically overcome with emotion and start to cry… which goes right back to shame etc…

Im not gonna lie, its this tormenting, unwanted, unplanned treadmill and the knowledge that this will be a part of my life for the rest of my life. That is have more nights where this bully is only going to let me sleep an hour and forty-five minutes that made me want to give up on life a couple of different times in my life before I got more emotionally and mentally healthy. Before I got help to better understand myself and how I engaged my world and processed life. I am so grateful for the help I have received… well, because it helped. Helped. Didn’t fix, but helped. And Im ok with that because I remember my life before “help” and the hopelessness I felt. I may never be “better” but with help and healthy choices I can keep getting better. With humility I may never stop the nightmares from coming and stealing my sleep but they don’t get to steal my awake anymore. So because Im probably going to share this as a blog post in hopes to help someone else in my sleepless fraternity, here’s what I did this morning to respond to a really unfair, shitty thing in a positive healthier way:

1. I got up. I moved my body. I connected with my real, alive body so my mind couldn’t keep lying to me.

2. I made coffee. Because I love it and I deserve it. Lol

3. I cooked something, because I genuinely enjoy cooking. I enjoy food, yes, but I enjoy the accomplishment of starting something and being able to finis and enjoy it in a relatively short amount of time.

4. Then while I sipped on the black nectar of heaven, my cup o joe, I sat down and began to write. Someone once told me clarity comes at the end of a pen. I have found writing to give me better more manageable perspective on my reality.

5. I decided to share this honest imperfect moment with others. I have found this to be one of the best things I have ever done on my journey down the road of health and recovery. To help others. As I help, I heal.

So if you find yourself in a tough spot today feel free to try any or all of these. But whatever you choose to do,

Please choose to not stay stuck.

Please choose to no give up or give in. Just one step today is you healing and getting better.

Please ask for help. Ask family. Ask a friend. A counselor. A doctor. Please ask for help.

There is help

There is hope

And I believe in you!