6 Things People Don’t Understand About Depression

Our outdated beliefs about depression are killing people 

Misperceptions about depression kill people. You may think that I’m being extreme by making this statement, but it’s true. 

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), more than 264 million people suffer from depression worldwide. Not every person with depression experiences suicidal thoughts. But, the rates of suicide for those with depression are high. One study predicted that those with depression are 27 times more likely to die by suicide than the general public. 

But, how do misperceptions about depression play into friends and family committing suicide? Many suicidal individuals reach out for help in the month before their death. Sometimes, our well-meaning responses deepen depressed individuals’ feelings of hopelessness and despair. 

Understanding suicide 

Douglas Cootey (Blogger for “A Splintered Mind” and Author of Saying “No” to Suicide) writes:

“My belief that I can fight suicide and win has given me a full life, but it hasn’t come easy. When we are so low that suicide seems as if it is the only solution, we need to rely on coping strategies and support networks to get through the darkest moments. These moments can seem bleak and overwhelming as if there is no hope nor light in our life, but if there is one thing that I have learned while struggling with suicidal depression, there is always a dawn.” 

How can we help? 

As someone who has experienced depression for almost most of my life, I’ve mentally catalogued the things that I wish I could say about depression to other people. 

If you love someone with depression, please read the list below. Thank you for caring about that person. Keep in mind that even if you don’t understand it, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t real.  If you are someone with depression, please feel free to comment and add to the list. 

1.    I Can’t “Get Over It”

“Just pull yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep moving. We all go through difficult things. Get over it.”

Most people with depression have heard some form of the phrase “get over it,” at some stage. If depression was that simplistic, then many people would have “gotten over it” a long time ago. 

Causes of Depression 

Depression is a complex and multifaceted illness. Harvard Health explains depression is much more complicated than a simple “chemical imbalance.”  Depression is likely caused by a combination of factors. It is believed to be caused by genetics, stressful life events, health problems, and/or mood dysregulation. It is still being researched further, and scientists are learning new information. 

As we find out more about depression, let’s be kind and empathetic to those suffering from depression. Instead of “get over it,” let’s say “I don’t fully understand, but I’m here for you.” 

2.    Happiness Is Not Always a Choice 

“I just personally believe that happiness is a choice. You need to choose to be happy.”

I’ve not only heard this statement, but also listened to it in song lyrics and seen it on television shows. Many people believe that if you make a conscious choice to be happy, then you will be. 

Is Happiness a Choice Psychologically? 

This statement (“Happiness is a choice,”) is neither completely true nor completely false. Many studies have predicted that happiness is 40-50% determined by your genetics and 10% determined by events outside of your own control. This leaves about 40% of happiness within your control (5). There could be further arguments about how epigenetics can influence this, but this is not the point. 

The point is that when you say, “Happiness is a choice,” to a depressed individual, what they hear you saying is, “This is your fault. You’ve chosen to be depressed.” This is neither helpful nor encouraging to hear in the midst of depression. 

Instead, ask, “How can I support you during this difficult time?” 

3.    Depression is Different From Being Sad

“We all get sad sometimes. I understand your depression because I’ve been sad too.”

Depression and sadness are not the same things. Everyone experiences some sadness throughout their life. It is part of the human experience. Yet, depression has definable characteristics. Depression is usually cyclic in nature. It is not the same as normal sadness. 

Individuals with depression, experience five or more of the following symptoms over the course of a two week period: 

• Depressed mood (most of the day, most days)

• Loss of interest or pleasure in things that used to interest you

• Weight loss or weight gain

• Slowing of thought or physical movement

• Fatigue

• Feelings of worthlessness

• Diminished ability to concentrate

• Thoughts of suicide

Try to understand that what the person is experiencing is beyond “sadness.” Realize that even if you have not experienced it personally doesn’t mean that it does not exist. 

4. I Have Tried Harder 

“If you just work harder, you can be happy. Depression isn’t a big deal. Just try harder.” 

I’ll admit that I’ve tried to “outwork” my depression. I’ve pushed myself to get up earlier, stay later, and work harder than everyone else. I can tell you firsthand that you cannot “work” yourself out of depression. 

Even very small tasks can be exhausting for a person experiencing depression. Asking a depressed person to “try harder,” makes them think, “I’m not trying enough,” or “I must be a failure.” 

Instead, recognize the effort that a person makes even when they aren’t feeling well. For example, “I’m so proud of you for getting up and going to school today. I know that you haven’t been feeling well lately and that it took a lot of effort.” 

5. When I Need You Most, I Might Push You Away

When depressed, you see things through a negative lens. This is why depressed individuals can push loved ones away. When depressed loved ones push you away, it may be when they need you the most. Keep texting, calling, and reaching out. Never stop telling your loved one how much they mean to you. 

Often, when I’m in a depressed state, I convince myself that people do not care about me. For this reason, I stop asking people to spend time together. I don’t call others. I let calls go to voicemail, and leave texts unread. 

The thing that has helped me the most are resilient friends who refuse to give up on me. Friends that call over and over again. Don’t stop checking in with your depressed friends. 

6. I Can Hide It Better Than You Think 

Years of practice make it easier than you think it would be to hide depression. Even though you may feel awful on the inside, you learn to put on your smile and face the day. 

Even if your friend looks ok, they might be experiencing something difficult internally. Be sure to ask them about how they are doing…how they’re really doing.