An honest answer to SETBACKS

There’s this weird idea that’s been sold to us - everything is supposed to get better and better every day, however life operates less like a straight line of ever-increasing happiness and more like a toddler driving a sports car. It is an inevitable part of life that we endure setbacks from time to time. Setbacks can make the already-challenging business of life even more challenging and sometimes outright horrendous to deal with. But even through the darkest of times, there can always a glimmer of hope.

I believe it was the collective of British philosophers known as Chumbawumba who, in 1997, sang, “I get knocked down, but I get up again, you are never gonna keep me down.” Now aside from the rest of the lyrics of that song reading like a diagnostic manual for alcoholism, that particular song (Tubthumping) was everywhere in the late 90’s and it speaks to what I hope is the attitude most of us have towards setbacks.

Let’s be honest: that ‘getting up again’ bit is fairly difficult, especially when you feel as though life has knocked the wind out of your sails and you’re left flailing around on the floor like a turtle on its back.

The thing about setbacks and difficulties is that, as challenging as they are, they force us to adapt which in turn helps us to grow. There’s a saying by an unknown author that goes, “We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.” For me, I consider setbacks to be one of those aspects of life that you can either try to fight (and at this point I’ll remind you of the wise words of the Borg: resistance is futile) or you can choose to find ways to use these situations as a catalyst for personal growth.

When I talk about setbacks I’m referring to problems and difficulties that we might face, whether small or large. From struggling with unexpected bills to a relationship breakdown or the loss of a loved one, to the entire economy shitting itself overnight and putting millions of people out of work, setbacks very often show up unannounced and turn all of your carefully-considered plans into abstract art.

Here’s the thing: all setbacks can be overcome and you are not a victim. Sometimes, stuff just happens with no real reason why. It’s OK to be upset and hurt, but what isn’t OK is to let those feelings dominate you and detract you from the process of adapting to and overcoming whatever the setback is.

Very few things in life are black and white but when it comes to coping mechanisms, it’s either healthy coping or unhealthy coping.

When you deal with setbacks in an unhealthy way — like drinking away your feelings, using food as medicine, snorting your way through the pain, lashing out at others or just generally doing all the stuff that’s bad for you — you are going to wind up making more of a mess than doing any actual good for yourself. On the other hand, learning how to deal with the inevitable setbacks that we all face from time to time in a healthy manner enables you to learn what you need to learn from them. Why does that matter? Because that is how you grow. Growth isn’t easy; it takes time and effort and perseverance, and more often than not it’s painful.

Growth is about metamorphosis; it’s about moving forward. Setbacks often prevent us from moving forward and so if we get stuck in using unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with them, then we end up stuck (or, worse yet, going backwards). A setback isn’t a permanent dead-end; it’s an obstacle that needs to be overcome and so sometimes that means you need to find another way around like when you hit a roadblock in traffic and your GPS needs to re-route you. You can either sit there yelling at the roadblock (and wondering why that doesn’t do anything) or you can find a way around it, even if that takes you a bit out of the way or makes your journey take a bit longer. Either way it’s probably going to be painful to deal with, but the difference is in whether or not that pain is helping to lead you to a better place in the longer term.

The thing is nobody is going to do the work for you in life and there are always going to be setbacks, so you can either throw your hands up in the air without ever trying anything (and then wonder why you’re not getting anywhere) or you can do the work… and even if it hurts like hell it’s still up to you to do the work.

Because when it comes to setbacks and mental health, what it all boils down to is this: Things happen to all of us from time to time that can throw us off-course or make us feel like we’re being pulled in a different direction, but setbacks are opportunities to learn and, more importantly, opportunities to grow. Even the darkest of days has something to offer in the long-term; for example, I chose to turn the years I spent battling with Complex PTSD into something positive by doing this. If you’d have told the younger me that someday I’d be using my experiences and setbacks and heartaches to help other people, I don’t know that I would have believed it. Because the thing with setbacks is that when we’re in the thick of it, it can be almost impossible to see the bigger picture… but trust me when I say that it’s a work of art. You will be OK and, with time, whatever setbacks you might be facing will make you stronger, wiser and more agile. All you have to do today is make the choice to not quit, not give up or give in to the setback, and take one small step today towards a better you.

Win The Day!

What is one thing you can do today to overcome your current setback?