LET THAT SINK IN.

There are many things that get in the way of asking for help.  So many of us view asking for help as a weakness, and not a strength.  We may believe that we are causing a burden on others or appearing too needy.  There is also a pervasive and insidious myth that we should be self-sufficient, particularly for men, but women are not excluded.  This Myth of Self-Sufficiency in particular creates an idea that if we ask for help is showing we are weak, inefficient, or just don’t have it all together.  (And really who really has it all together).

However we need to call out these hurdles and myths to ask for assistance.  We are biologically social creatures and we will need help. We might need physical support in getting things done that we can’t just do ourselves.  We might need emotional support when we go through hard times. We may need wisdom shared, of knowledge that we have yet to obtain. We need social support so we don’t have to handle some we don’t feel alone as we handle some of our biggest challenges.  

There have been a number of studies that if the focus in a classroom is about valuing a student’s ability (how good are they at x activity) rather than their growth (how are they getting better at x activity) then the results are that students ask for less help.  To rephrase, when the focus is on a student’s perceived worth, then they are less likely to ask for the help they need. This can be seen out of the classroom as well. After being in the business of “People” for over three decades I have found, people believe that they don’t have the skills and abilities to cope by themselves. This is a version of the Myth of Self-Sufficiency.

However, if we live in a culture within the Myth of Self-Sufficiency we believe that we constantly have to prove ourselves that we are good enough.  So many of us are “faking it until we make it” or dealing with imposter syndrome that we constantly don’t want to have others see that vulnerability.  But we need to build a culture towards growth and not competition. We can’t control our larger cultures, but we can control our smaller cultures, such as friend circles, home, work environment to some degree.

We are often more generous with others than we are to ourselves.  If we ask for help our insecurities come out. Our fears of not being ‘good enough’ get triggered and we start getting to a place that we just have to try harder.  The Myth of Self-Sufficiency sometimes tells us that it is okay to ask for help if you tried every other option first. So you can ask yourself after your proved that you have done all the hard work it avoid asking for help.  But this sets us up for a trap. If we do this we become more exhausted for all the failed attempts and trying to just “push on” and then we are more fragile with our egos that asking for help seems more risky or leaving us easy to feel shattered.  

Now if we were open with this and someone told you that they felt like they had to do all the hard work before asking you for help, how might you respond?  You might ask them to ask you sooner and not exhaust themselves. You might want to help them because it feels good to help out our friends and family. By asking for help the other person is saying they trust you to help them.  Again we are more generous for others than we are to ourselves. When considering asking for help ask yourself if someone asked you for this favor how would you respond?

WE ARE ALL DOING THE BEST THAT WE CAN

It is important to remember we are all doing the best that we can.  We aren’t perfect and we all have flaws. We all rely on family, friends, and community to create a system that supports our lives.  The community you build that supports you is one that you maintain. If it was all take and no give, we might need to question that relationship.  But we have to be mindful that is we are all give and no take, that doesn’t lead to a balanced system. True strength is not to prove we can go it alone, but to prove we are a person willing to connect with others and be vulnerable.  

Asking for help and support are ways that we break out of the Myth of Self-Sufficiency.  By asking for help we are investing in our value to connect and work as a team. We all do the best that we can and we all need support and help in life.  We can ask help from friends. We can ask help from professionals. And occasionally we can ask help from a stranger. But remember these are all ways that we can connect with others.