5 Reasons Parents Deny Existence of Children’s Mental Health Conditions

I have taught parents for years that a unique attribute of the parent-child relationship is that it's the only relationship in our life we don't choose to love. Every other relationship we will ever have, we decided. Having children is one of the most amazing experiences a person can ever have. From the time we first find out they're on the way, we begin to think about what their life will be like. Once they are here, we start thinking about their future and all the possibilities of what they will do with their lives. As a bit of time goes on and they develop cognitive abilities, the picture of the future begins to shift for some parents when they notice their child is different from others. Some willingly look at the difference and question if it needs to be looked at more closely, while others look past it, hoping it'll correct itself.

There is a lot of speculation about the number of children being over-diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, etc... This speculation, along with the stigma attached to mental health conditions in general, can hinder us from getting the much-needed help some children should have. Loving your child unconditionally to the point that no matter what the problem is, is our duty as parents, and we do the best we can. However, with mental health conditions, the picture of how to work within this love can be challenging for some and ignored until they get to a point they can't be ignored. Here are some of the reasons people have a hard time accepting the existence of mental health issues with their kids

Admitting something is wrong with my child is accepting something is wrong with me. 

Many people deny the existence of mental health issues in their children. We want to believe that all of our children come here healthy and that there isn't anything out of the ordinary to worry about. By not admitting there could be a problem, you allow your child to suffer from a condition that, in some cases, can be dealt with through behavioral therapies. In cases where medication is needed, most doctors dealing with children don't medicate until necessary to improve the child's quality of life and reduce potential danger to themselves or others. Having a child with a problem does not mean your child is a problem or they are any less valuable than a child without this condition. Separating the hurt and disappointment about their future from the need for their current treatment will help you parent them more effectively and lovingly. Also, admitting you don't know how to cope or deal with it is not admitting you're faulty. It's like being given a job of a doctor but not knowing how to operate…. it's a learning process.

Claiming a kid has a mental illness is a cop-out for bad behaviors or bad parenting

There is a significant difference between mental illness and fundamental childhood behavior issues. Behavior concerns can be corrected through changing parenting style, correcting unhealthy habits and inconsistency in routines, etc. Mental illness involves chemical imbalances in the brain. We all have unique balances, but a range still keeps us level, so we don't have extreme behaviors on either side of the spectrum that could pose a danger to us and those around us. Our bodies are imperfect in many ways. Some people have shorter toes and extra fingers that we don't like, but we accept. This imperfection is a mental illness for some, but none of these concerns make us any less lovable. What is considered normal becomes a different normal for a child with mental health problems; however, they are still people who deserve fair treatment.

 If diagnosed, it will ruin their life. 

In recent years, "mental health" has been used interchangeably with "behavioral health." Though I'm sure there are differences, I can imagine using behavioral seems less stigmatizing for some, and it can include actual mental illness and behavioral problems that can be corrected holistically. Regardless of which of these terms are used, when a child exhibits symptoms of a behavioral or mental health condition, they still have the right to live the best life possible. Getting them help will give them that. A proper diagnosis may be the difference between your child being pegged as simply a bad kid and treated poorly in some school systems versus a child with a condition that educators must legally consider when giving accommodations to encourage their learning. A diagnosis by a licensed professional gives them certain rights to what is called a 504 accommodation and or an IEP (individualized education plan) under federal law. Without this diagnosis, you are at the mercy of a system that sometimes treats problem children like throwaways. Also, getting an accurate diagnosis helps you know what you are dealing with, what to expect and how to prepare for the quality of life for you and the child you're raising without many surprises. You can more easily get support in place for both your child and your own well-being, whether community-based or medically based.

 It costs too much money to go to a mental health provider.  

In many communities, additional resources are available to kids with special mental or behavioral health needs. However, until you get an accurate diagnosis, those resources will remain unavailable to you. You can check with community-based organizations that offer sliding scale fees even if you have an income above the poverty line. In addition, most public schools have counselors that can help direct you to services that can help. Additionally, when we look at the cost of getting our child help vs. the cost of not getting them help…..the latter has a higher price.

Letting go of the dream of a perfect life.  

Nothing is guaranteed for any of us in this world. Even a child without a mental health condition can have a great childhood and end up on drugs, pregnant early, divorced, incarcerated, or even worse. Mental health conditions do not instantly send our child to the reject line. In many ways, we all have some sort of mental health or behavioral health issue. There are fully functioning adults with OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), ADD/ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, and many more conditions. This is not the end of the world. This is not the end of a dream. Instead, it is a way to ensure the existence of the best life for "this" child that can be had. As a 47-year-old adult who has accomplished a lot in my life (with a mental health condition), I can assure you that had I not received the help necessary to manage my illness, my success would have been difficult to achieve or impossible at all. 

Mental illness is not a roadblock to a successful or fulfilling life. However, an undiagnosed mental illness can stall or steal the opportunity to live your desired life. 

There is no perfect child, just as there is no perfect parent. What we have are children who are born for us to love unconditionally. Our love includes the responsibility of tending to all of their needs, whether we feel equipped to do so or not. Just know that there are more resources now than ever, and you are not alone.