“Not My Kid” Phenomena

Names have been changed for privacy.

Ryan is 16 years old and a junior in high school. He is on the football team, popular, and maintains good grades. His family is proud of him, and they attend his games and award ceremonies. When Ryan attempts suicide, those around him are shocked and don't understand how a kid who seems to have it all could reach the point of suicide. Meanwhile, under the surface, Ryan has been struggling with feelings of worthlessness and depression and started drinking. He posts messages on Instagram about how things will never get better and doesn't speak to his friends as often. Then he experiences a break-up, leading him to believe that people who really know him could never love him. He thinks it would be easier for everyone if he ended his life. Even up until his suicide attempt, Ryan makes efforts to mask his pain so as not to add to the burden of others – telling his parents he is okay.

I wish I could tell you this scenario is uncommon. But it's not.

Ryan's parents felt shame and embarrassment for Ryan's actions and determined it was just a stage. They did not take Ryans's cries for help seriously and refused to believe depression was a health diagnosis; instead excused Ryan's feelings and actions as normal teen development. They said things to Ryan like, "just be happy", "don't you see how good you got it?", "it's not that bad", "you're embarrassing yourself and our family", etc. Ryans's parents refused school resources for intervention, and out of pride and misunderstanding, mental health as a health condition tied the hands of the resources available to Ryan and his entire family. Two months later, Ryan succeeded in taking his life. Ryan had just turned 17.

You know your children as a parent or caregiver – you've seen them grow up and are familiar with their strengths and challenges. So it can be surprising and worrying to realize they won't always share their lives with you. Suicidal thoughts, in particular, are challenging for kids to discuss openly with parents. Even when students appear to be doing well – playing sports, getting good grades, participating in activities – they may still be struggling with depression or anxiety.

In fact, we tend to overlook youth who don't fit the typical mold for depression and anxiety. Many adults think of a depressed teen as someone who isolates themselves from others and looks sad or angry all the time. Yet we know that bright, high-achieving youth can be suffering. While it appears they are doing well on the outside, they may be putting extreme pressure on themselves to be "perfect." And when they don't meet those expectations, they can feel highly anxious and depressed and may experience suicidal thoughts.

Children and teens may not share all of their thoughts, feelings, and experiences with parents, especially those that are painful or difficult. Youth often want to protect parents from feelings of stress and sadness, and they are afraid to add to it. In addition, stigma related to mental health conditions continues to be a significant barrier. Youth may feel it is a sign of personal weakness to experience suicidal thoughts and want to keep them hidden.

However, there are things you can do to increase the likelihood that your child will talk to you or another trusted adult:

Check-in with your child regularly.

Even if your son or daughter does not want to talk every day, initiating a conversation about how they are doing and letting them know you are there can make it easier for them to share if anxiety or depressive symptoms arise.

Encourage healthy relationships with other supportive adults. For example, there may be teachers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, or neighbors who are a part of your child's life. The more positive, supportive adult relationships they have, the more likely they will talk to someone.

Keep talking.

There may be news stories, television shows, situations with friends or community members, or things that occur at school related to self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or depression. Use that opportunity to talk with your child about their thoughts and feelings. Stress the importance of coming to an adult if they or a friend experience thoughts of suicide. Those thoughts may be a symptom of a treatable mental health condition. They are not a weakness.

It is okay to ask directly about suicidal thoughts.

Being asked directly about suicidal thoughts is often the most helpful thing you can do in allowing your child to open up.

Finally, make it clear to your child that you value their effort and character, even if they mess up, have a hard time in a relationship, or don't get perfect grades. Help them see they are loved regardless.

If your child reports thoughts of suicide, there are resources to help. Click here for more information on how to talk to your child about suicidal thoughts.

If your child has suicidal thoughts, take them to your local emergency room immediately or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Do not leave your child alone until you see a mental health professional. Let them know you will get through this together. You can also contact the Crisis Text Line by texting "4HOPE" to 741-741 to receive support anytime.