We were laughing.

The kind of laughter where it becomes hard to breathe and tears stream down your face. Yeah, that’s the good stuff.

I was over at my brother’s house for a family get-together. I had joined my youngest niece and nephew on the trampoline and we were jumping around and making each other fall and it was so much fun.

We caught our breath and exited the trampoline. The instant my foot touched the ground, I wanted to weep.

The darkness was still there, as it had been for weeks. That’s when I knew I needed help.

On the surface, this was the best day. My family was all together and the kids were having a blast and it was sunny (in Washington that’s always a good day).

And yet I felt devastated. For no reason.

About a year prior to this, I had become a fan of a TV show and their actors. One of those actors did a T-Shirt campaign for mental health and opened up about his own struggles with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.

As I learned more about mental health and the organization the fundraiser was for, something lit up in me. I’d never really found a cause that I was truly passionate about, but this was it. I wanted people to feel valued and worthy and loved and to help them come through dark times.

So I became more invested in being an advocate in my own small ways, wondering what else would come in the future that I could help with.

Little did I know, I myself would be one of the people needing help.

I had read countless stories of people with mental illness, so when I started to see the same symptoms in me, I paid attention. And when I realized something really was wrong, I didn’t hesitate to ask for help.

That Monday, I made a doctor’s appointment. I was nervous, but I told her what had been going on and asked to try medication.

Side note: Mental illness runs in my family, so luckily I knew of a medication that had worked well for my mom and my aunt. I had a starting-off point - many people don’t. Be open and honest with your provider and follow their guidance with what, when, and how to take your medications - trust the process!

I started my medication and have been on it since with no regrets. It took a couple months for it to really help. Some of the side effects for me were tapping my feet/hands a lot, feeling very antsy in the afternoons, and some initial headaches.

Being on an anti-depressant did not “make me happy.” People call them “happy pills”, but that’s not what they do. It’s not artificial joy in a pill. What it did for me was raise my baseline up to a more “normal” level.

Once the meds started working, I had clarity that I don’t think I’ve ever had before. It made me wonder how long I’d actually been dealing with depression. I’ve always had a lower level of energy for things, and part of that I now believe was because there was always a fog of depression floating around me.

The other part is that my personality is just pretty chill ;)

And now, some “pro-tips”:

1. Ask for help.

1. For me, meds helped, but I’ve also seen a therapist a couple different times. You’ll find what works for you. If calling a doctor or therapist is overwhelming for you, ask for help from a family member or friend or someone else you trust.

2. Give yourself grace.

1. Even though I’m on meds, I still have episodes of depression. It will take a day or two before I recognize that is what is happening, but once I do, I take a deep breath. I allow my self to do what I need to do to get through it without judgment. I let the dishes and trash pile up. I let myself take naps and live a low-energy life. Because I know it will pass. And once it passes, I clean up and get back to my usual routine.

3. Keep people you trust in the know.

1. When you do find yourself struggling, let someone know. Not because you expect them to make it better, but because it helps to know that someone else is there for you. I have a couple best friends that I give a heads up to when I’m in a low place. Then they know that I may need some encouragement, and also that I may be quiet for a bit but I’m not completely isolating myself, and am aware of where my mind is at.

One last word to people of faith. I know miracles can and do happen, so pray for that. But don’t wait and wait for a miracle and avoid seeking professional help. God gives doctors and therapists knowledge and abilities to help, so let them help. If you prayed for a broken leg to be healed and it didn’t immediately snap back into place, you wouldn’t just leave the leg. You’d find someone with the right expertise to help brace it and fix it. The same goes for your brain.

You’re worthy of help. You’re valued. You’re loved. You got this.