How to keep going when you feel defeated by your teen’s depression

WARNING: This is going to be honest. So if you want to just be affirmed, shoot me an email at shannon@ifyoudontquityouwin.com. I love to encourage people but this post is to practically help.

The thing about parenting a teenager with depression is that you have to keep going, even when you feel defeated by your teen’s depression. After talking to countless parents over the years who have compassionately, frustrated, defeated, good days, bad days, wins, losses and every other emotion and outcome that accompanies the difficult and heroic task of walking your teen through their depression. Here’s what Ive learned along the way and helped me to keep my head in the game when I felt my child’s depression was winning.

I remember times of feeling broken in the journey. Emotionally and physically exhausted. Sleep deprived and hopeless.

No longer sure I liked my spouse, my dog, or my family, I moved through my life on autopilot and cussed my steering wheel out on the way to work often. Parents of depressed teenagers cussing and crying in cars. It’s a thing, you know.

I remember in the midst of one of my freak out moments picking up a pen and paper. That simple act made all the difference.

I know I don’t know you or your situation, but even in the slight chance it might work for you, here are three small steps I think you can take today that might help you keep going even when you feel totally defeated. Because remember, If you don’t quit, you will win! This I guarantee.

Step 1: Write it out

My ex father and law told me one day, clarity comes at the end of a pen. Great advice.

Grab a piece of paper and write it out. By it, I mean all of it. Everything that’s happened since your child became ill. Don’t worry about grammar or spelling. Just write about the stuff.

Write about when it started. What you noticed first or, like me, didn’t notice. The things your teenager has said to you. The times you failed to be your best self.

Write about doctor’s visits and the disgusting bedroom. School refusals. Self-harm. Suicidal ideation. Suicide attempts and safe plans.

Write about the disappointing Father’s Day or Mother’s Day. The maddening obsession with social media. Binging Netflix, not out of enjoyment but trying to just get lost for a few moments. Food issues. Friend issues. Panic attacks. Whatever it is you are facing, write it down.

I know what you’re thinking: “Writing this stuff down isn’t going to make me feel any better.” But try it. At least once. No one, but you, will ever read what you’ve written. You can burn it afterwards. But before you do, take the second step.

Step 2: Read it

It’s fucked up!

Excuse my language, but there’s really no other way to describe it. Yes, you are dealing with an illness. And yes, you love your kid, but you have to admit, things might be pretty messed up right now.

We are living Jerry Springer lives. Lives we thought happened to other people. Lives we didn’t ask for and certainly don’t deserve. So, give yourself some grace. From one survivor to another, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Accept you are going through an extremely difficult situation. That it’s normal to wonder if you will survive your teenager’s depression. That your life is hard and unfair and living this way, day after day, feels horrible and defeating. That this isn’t what you imagined when your brought that 6lbs 7oz home from the hospital. But this is the reality. And you can put your head in the sand, or throw your hands up and give up. Or you can fight for you and your teen and it will get better. It is worth it. And if you don’t quit you will win.

Agreed? Then you’re ready for step three.

Step 3: Choose something different

Choose something different.

Every successful person in any arena in life knows this truth to success. Control what you can and stop trying to control the rest. I wont insult you by listing the things you can not control. But here is the honest, time to dig deep question. What can you control. And don’t say your teen or their depression because we both know that’s bullshit, hahaha.

Again, I know what you’re thinking: “If I could choose something different, I would.” Well, here’s the thing: You can choose something different.

You see, if Byron Katie, the self-help guru from Texas, read your story, she would say, “It was always meant to happen that way. Because it did.”

All those things you wrote down? They were always meant to happen that way. Which begs the question: what happens next?

Whatever you do next in this very moment, staring at your piece of paper, is what will happen.

It’s an incredibly powerful thought because it gives you control over your life when you thought you had none. It puts you smack dab in the present. Not in the worry of the future or the guilt and shame of the past, but right here. Right now.

You get to choose what happens next.

I chose a journal. A navy blue moleskin, lined. It cost me $34.00.

It did not make my child well, or stop me from cussing in the car on the way to work, but it reminds me daily that I have control over my own thoughts and actions. That I can literally write my own story.

I’m sure there are other ways to keep going when you feel totally defeated–like professional therapy if that’s a realistic solution for you right now. But if it’s not an option, this free, three-step program worked for me when I was at my breaking point.

If you try it, let me know if it helps.

Bonus thought: Im not sure if you are a person of faith or not. I am. If you believe there is a God and he created humanity, consider this thought. Your valuable, incredibly talented and beautiful child was created by him. Is a gift to this beautiful world. And yes has some challenges to overcome. And when God needed someone He could trust to walk them through these important years of life. He chose you. He believes in you. He trusts you. You have what it takes. If you don’t quit, you win.

Now go, Win The Day!

Shannon